Old Spice
by xavilyn
Summary: Never underestimate the power of Old Spice! inspired by the commercials. read and review people!


I came up with this yesterday during dinner. I think it's rather funny. I hope you think so too. My favorite scent for men is Curve for Men, but Old Spice is my second favorite. You don't care do you? laughs Oh well, enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Phantom of the Opera. But I DO own the soundtrack and 2-disc collector's edition DVD, so there!

In the Ohantom's Lair...

'Wait! I think my dear we have a guest!'

Erik snarls turning towards the gate to his dismal home. There, clutching to the gate in the most pitiful way possible is Raoul.

Christine: 'Raoul!'

Christine knows the danger he is now in. Way more than her at the moment. She has to do something but what?

Raoul: 'Christine!' (A/N, Wow, that was effective!)

'Sir, This is indeed an unparalleled delight!'

Sarcasm thrives in Erik's voice as his mouth pulls into a mirthless hatred-influenced grin. (You know the ones you get when you're about to lose your temper and you're so angry you can't express it so the only thing to do is express happiness, angrily)

Erik: 'I had rather hoped that you would come.'

He stalks over to Christine and grabs her arm roughly pulling her to him and puts his arm around her shoulder, crushing her to his side.

Erik: 'And now, my wish comes true!'

'You have truly made my night!' He growls. He squeezes poor Christine even harder. She fears he might break her shoulder.

Christine: 'Erik, let me-.'

She stops suddenly when her nose is caressed by the spicy smell of Erik's Old Spice men's body spray. '_Wow_.' She thinks.

Her mind drifts off to memories of her and her angel. We, the viewers watch the fleeting images of Erik giving Christine a singing lesson,

(Erik: 'okay, Christine. From the top please.'

Chrsitine: 'SQUEEEE!'

Erik winces, 'That was good,)

Erik giving Christine a birthday present; ('Ooh! A bunny!' hugs Erik 'You're-achoo!-welcome, Christine!.)

Erik letting Christine steer the gondola only once;

(Erik: 'You're doing great, Christine!'

CRASH!

Crhistine: 'Um, Angel. I think we hit a rock.' boat sinks

Erik: 'Gee, you think?')

Erik comforting Christine when her beloved bunny Tinkles mysteriously dies;

(Erik: 'I'm so sorry about TuTu, my dear.'

Chrsitine: 'No! His name was Tinkles! sniff!

Erik: 'Yes, of course.')

Christine is brought back to reality from Raoul yelling. Erik let's go of her shoulder.

Raoul: 'Free her! Do what you like only free her!'

Erik (sneering): 'Your lover makes a passionate plea!'

Christine (breathlessly): 'Raoul, shut up.'

Christine is completely enthralled by Erik's scent. She tries to get another whiff as Erik moves away. She manages to get a tiny sniff, which puts her back into her reverie.

Raoul: ' Christine, Christine! Let me see her!'

'Be my guest, sir!' Erik opens the gate.

Christine never notices Erik tying Raoul to the gate and putting a noose around his neck, yelling something about hands at the level of your eyes…or was it thighs?

'Nothing can save you now, except perhaps Christine!' Erik whips his head back to glare at Christine.

Christine is jerked back from daydreaming. She looks absentmindedly at Erik.

Christine: 'Wha?…'

Erik: 'Start a new life with me, buy his freedom with your love! Refuse me and you send your lover to his grave! This. Is. The. Choice! THIS IS THE POINT OF NO RE--.'

Christine is no longer standing on shore.

Erik: 'Christine? Christine! Where is that girl?'

Erik feels something grab his shirtsleeve and inhale deeply. Erik looks over his shoulder to see Christine smelling him like an addict. If you know what I mean.

Christine: 'Christine love Old Spice! (sniffs Erik, eyes roll back) Me love Old Spice!'

Erik (thinking): _Man, she can move when she wants to!_

Raoul: 'Christine, what are you doing!'

Christine: 'Must sniff Erik.'

She buries her face in Erik's shoulder and imitates a vacuum cleaner.

Christine: ' Aaahhhh!'

Raoul and Erik stare at Christine dumbly. Raoul decides it's all a plot by Erik and glares at his rival.

Raoul: 'You did this on purpose! You've drugged her!'

Erik: 'I did no such thing!' (yanks on rope. Raoul gags.)

Christine: (still sniffing) 'Erik, baby! When did you start wearing Old Spice?'

Erik: Oh well, tonight really. Nadir gave it to me and said I should try it so I did this evening. I thought it appropriate it smelled Don Juan-y. You like it?' (A/N, duh!)

Christine: 'I _LOVE_ it! It's so alpha male, so masculine, so sexy!'

Erik: 'Oh, I'm glad you like it and- HEY! We are in the middle of a climactic scene here! You're ruining the moment!'

Raoul: 'Really!'

Erik: 'Now get back up on that rock and do you part _right,_ okay?'

Christine (gets back on rock): 'Okay…'

Erik: 'ahem, where was I? Oh, yes! THIS IS THE POINT OF NO RETURN!'

Christine cannot control her new Old Spice addiction. As soon as Erik's attention is elsewhere she ransacks his bedroom looking for the wonderful Old Spice.

Christine: 'YES, I FOUND IT!' (waves bottle around and does a happy dance)

Erik: 'Lord, help me!'

Christine: 'Pitiful creature of darkness, what kind of scent have you worn?

Erik: 'You try my patience. _Make your choice!_' (pulls rope, chokes Raoul)

Raoul: 'ACKH!'

Christine: 'That has made my nose so happy! Wear it every day, you'll never be alone!'

Christine runs and throws herself at Erik. Luckily he is able to hold the rope with one hand and catch her with the other.

Christine: 'My love!' (Kisses Erik, and I mean really KISS!)

Raoul is shocked into silence at the sight of Christine and Erik in an avid lip lock.

Raoul: 'My eyes, they bleed!'

Christine and Erik finally pull away. Suddenly Christine catches a faint whiff of –you guessed it-Old Spice aftershave.

Christine: 'Mmm, aftershave!' (kisses Erik again)

(A/N, that's some powerful stuff! Use it wisely Erik!)

Erik and Christine suck face with renewed vigor. Raoul contemplates hanging himself.

Erik (gasping for air): 'So does that mean you choose me?'

Christine: 'If you wear that everyday!' (starts sniffing, man she's really hooked!)

Erik: 'Very well.' '_think of all the trouble I could've saved myself if I'd just worn this stuff sooner!'_

Raoul: 'Christine, don't fall for it! It's all a trick to deceive you!'

Christine: 'Too late!'

Erik: 'Sorry, fop!'

Christine: 'You should've worn Old Spice instead of that fruity stuff.'

Raoul (defeated): 'Shoot!' (to himself) 'In that case, I wonder if Meg is available?'

Erik: 'Not a word of this to anyone, okay Raoul?' (Erik unties Raoul)

Raoul: 'Fine!' (leaves)

Erik: 'Now my dear, where were we?'

Christine: 'Old Spice!' (grabs Erik)

Erik: 'Easy girl! You'll rip my shirt off!'

(A/N, that wouldn't be much of a problem now would it? drool )

The End.

**Somewhat pointless epilogue.**

Christine's Old Spice fetish never subsided much to Erik's slight annoyance. It's kind of weird when your wife insists on smelling you every time you shave or splash on body spray. The first thing Christine did as Erik's wife was destroy all his male hygiene products that were not made by Old Spice, even the soap.

This caused some problems for Erik. Every time he would haunt the Opera house all the dancers, chorus girls, seamstresses, maids, and even Madame Giry would drop what they were doing and sniff the air and squeal; 'It's the Opera Ghost! MUST SNIFF OPERA GHOST!' And then they would proceed to chase Erik through the rafters and corridors, trying to catch him and rip off his clothes to smell the Old Spice.

Until Christine would appear and beat off her fellow Old Spice addicts, and drag poor Erik back to the lair so she could sniff him in private. The male occupants of the Opera Populaire gained a renewed hatred of the opera ghost for stealing their girlfriends.

All in all, Erik and Christine lived quite happily haunting the opera house for many years.

The Real End.

A/N, Did you like it? Hopefully you did. It may not be side-splitting funny, but I pray that it will bring a smile to you face when you're having one of _those_ days. Please, please review! Ciao!


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